How Christian Men Should Approach Dating

Modern dating is degenerate. But courtship is unrealistic.

Where Things Stand Right Now

It’s definitely true that the modern “dating” scene is tricky for a Christian man. The most common complaint from men in our side of the fence is that there are no good women left, which isn’t true. But I understand the sentiment.

It’s hard not to feel discouraged when most of the women one meets both in real life and in social media are feminist, reactive, resentful, angry, promiscuous, and plain toxic. The mainstream dating scene is a cesspit of casual sex, drunken hookups, dimly-lit clubs playing trashy music, techno festivals, men obsessed with racking up their bodycount and women obsessed with dressing with as little clothes as possible in as public a setting as possible.

It’s really not a surprise that men who still believe in marriage and who still want to honor God by giving their future children a good mother, feel discouraged. You don’t even have to be an active part of that world to be poisoned by it: you see this degeneracy when you open any app on your phone, you see it when you walk around any modern city, and you even see it when you go to the gym. Society is hypersexualized, casual sex has become the idol of many, and the only way to truly escape this altogether would be to go live in a cave. Which is not really an option.

Amidst all of this, among the Christian sphere there has been a strong push to return to courtship instead of dating. Courtship understood as the intentional process by which a man and a woman evaluate each other for marriage, while maintaining their chastity. This is a noble pushback, since it tries to bring back the traditional way of getting to know someone and assess them as a potential spouse.

Sadly though, courtship is not really a realistic option in 2024. The very fiber of society has changed and it’s no longer possible to engage in traditional “courtship”. Whether we like it or not, as I said earlier, we are all, in various degrees, byproducts of modernity. We live at this time, and we need to find a way to approach the dating scene virtuously, but without believing we can bring back what worked in an earlier time to an era that is completely different.

Whether we like it or not, we need a new approach. This article is my humble attempt at giving young men a clear set of guidelines to follow to approach dating in a way that is both virtuous, and also possible in our times.

It All Starts With Who You Are

Ironically, most of the men who complain that there are no longer good women left fall into two categories. These men demand women to be perfectly virtuous, submissive, beautiful, faithful, and chaste, while they themselves either:

1. Sleep around, get drunk every weekend, are the complete opposite of chaste, make excuses for their promiscuity, and participate willingly in the most degenerate of acts.

“It’s literally impossible to find a good woman nowadays”

2. Refuse to work on themselves, are fat, soft, and weak, spend all day playing video games and watching movies, and expect a good woman to walk into their basement and fall for them instantly.

   

   “God will send me my virgin tradwife any day now”

Is it really strange that the first type of man doesn’t meet any woman who isn’t just as degenerate as him?

Maybe, just maybe, when you go to degenerate places and do degenerate things, you’ll meet degenerate people.

And is it really strange that the second type of man doesn’t find his “tradwife” from the comfort of his cheeto-stained couch?

Maybe, just maybe, you actually need to put in some effort and become someone respectable to meet someone respectable.

The secret that isn’t really a secret is that you attract what you are. So if you are serious about wanting a good woman to marry and start a family with, how about you become the man who fits that scenario?

How about you start by taking care of yourself so you can then take care of a family?

How about you start leading a virtuous life, practicing chastity, rejecting sin, working on your leadership capabilities, taking care of your finances?

Stop hiding behind lies and realize that if you want a woman worth something, you need to become a man worth something too. If you want a woman of virtue, be virtuous yourself. If you want a woman of purity, purify yourself.

So, step one: make a list of the qualities you’d want in your wife. Then, duplicate that list and adjust it so it’s suitable for a man. And strive for those qualities.

You Do Not Decide When You Are Ready

I’ve seen men go to both extremes: they either swear they are ready for a good woman and resent God when they can’t find one, or they swear they aren’t ready and shut themselves off from the world to avoid meeting anyone.

You are simply not the one who decides when you are ready. God might send you the right woman even when you think you aren’t ready. And He might also make you wait even when you are completely certain that you are ready.

The right approach is one of absolute humility. Let God be the one who decides. How do you do this? Simple. You don’t force anything. You stop desperately looking for a girlfriend. You don’t let your life revolve around finding her.

But you also avoid shutting yourself off to the possibility of finding her. You go through life normally but keep an eye open for opportunities. And you develop the courage necessary to talk to the women you come across in your journey whom you think might be suitable partners. God doesn’t send you everything sorted out already. He sends you opportunities. But it’s up to you to seize them.

So, step two: don’t make finding a woman your main pursuit, but don’t shut the door and decide you are not ready. Focus on yourself, but keep an eye open for opportunity. And when it presents itself, have the courage to seize it.

Put Yourself In The Right Places

This is pretty obvious, but it bears repeating: you won’t find your virtuous wife dancing half-naked in Ibiza. You won’t find her at the trashy club that only opens after 5 am.

Be consistent. Do you actually want a good woman? Then why do you keep going to all the wrong places to find her?

Step three: Choose the places you go to carefully. If you go to degenerate places, you’ll find degenerate people.

Be Intentional

Being lukewarm is a crime. And that’s what the modern dating scene has become. A constant “testing” to see if the other person is good enough. A constant “dipping your toe in the water”. People are completely afraid of commitment, so they just test, and test, and test some more, desperately hoping to find a reason not to commit. And of course, if that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll find it.

Instead, be intentional about this whole thing. Start by asking why you are looking to “date” someone. Is it really because you want to marry and start a family? Or is it just because they are attractive and you’re hoping to get some quick, unsatisfactory sex before discarding them?

Your intention needs to be very clear. If you intend to marry, you’ll be able to filter the unsuitable candidates very quickly. That takes care of most of the problems with modern dating: you won’t waste time “testing the waters” for 5 years before finally being honest and accepting you always knew she wasn’t what you were looking for long-term.

Step four: determine your intentions clearly. Date with the intent to marry.

Drop The Need to Control Everything

Yes, you need to be intentional. But you also need to relax a bit. Let God be in control. Help Him by becoming an attractive, honorable man, but feel free to surrender control and let Him guide you.

Invite the cute girl on the street for a coffee. If she’s not what you’re looking for, then it’s all good. It’s no sin to put yourself out there and meet people. Let things flow. Relax a bit. Of course, maintain your chastity. Remain true to your beliefs. Be honest with your non-negotiables. But put yourself out there.

Step five: RELAX. Trust God. Enjoy every day. Take it easy.

If there is one thing I hope you take from this article, it’s that you need to become the right man for God to send you the right woman. There are great women out there still, but they are unique and reserved for the men who deserve them. God won’t give you one of His precious daughters for you to manipulate her, destroy her purity and innocence, and leave her damaged and broken. He’s too much of a loving father for that to happen.

Strive for purity, virtue, strength, leadership. Put yourself in the right places, have the courage to take action, be intentional, and I guarantee you won’t have any trouble finding a good woman to be by your side for all the years to come.

God bless you,

Simple Man

PS. If you are a single, Christian man, I highly recommend you check out the Unplugged Network, the premier dating platform for traditionally minded singles who are looking to skip out on hook-up culture and actually get married & start a family.

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