It never ceases to bring pain to my heart to see the fire and vitality of so many young men wasted in the pursuit of disordered sexual satisfaction. It truly is a great tragedy how the enemy has managed to drive an entire generation into the prison of lust, by using the machinery of media, entertainment, and education to convince them that the virtuous road is that of unrestrained, disordered sexual expression.
Perhaps the gravest consequence of the pervasiveness of sexual immorality —beyond the dire spiritual consequences that such sin carries—, is the isolation that repeated acts of lust cause in the sinner. This, by itself, is enough to disprove those postmodern theories that seek to rebrand sexual disorders as “harmless”: most men know, on some level, although often clouded by the addiction to the vice, that their disordered sexual acts are shameful. Our hearts are created to seek and serve God, and the most obvious proof of that is the fact that sin is almost always —except in those cases when the heart has been irreparably hardened against the Spirit— accompanied by shame.
This is even more evident in the case of sexual sin. As I wrote in an earlier article:
Sexual sin has a particularity that makes it different from all other sins: it is by nature uniquely self-enclosing among the passions. Other sins like anger, avarice or pride are often visible to others and are thus somewhat subjected to social control or approval.
Sexual sin, in contrast, usually operates in secrecy. It requires concealment to survive, and that concealment over time creates within a man an entire interior region that is systematically hidden from everyone around him.
This is not merely a secret that you possess and keep private, but a completely secret “self”, another you that is completely different from the you that your community, family, or friends know and love.1
If the vast majority of men are lonely, perhaps it’s in part because the vast majority of men suffer from the tight grip of the chains of lust.
The isolation that lust brings about is one of the main reasons why most efforts to quit ultimately fail: when both the failures and the successes occur in total seclusion, it’s easier to justify relapse. Knowing that he’s only letting himself down, a man emasculated and deprived of his ordered sense of self-worth by lust will be far less able to resist, his apathy and indifference testifying that he’s accepted the chains that bind him and of his willingness to abandon the fight altogether.
A man can be self-destructive, and thus it’s usually not enough to fight only for yourself. After enough shame, you might simply decide you have lost forever, and choose to accept the destruction of your own soul.
But a man —unless he is so far gone that he has no life whatsoever in him— will not be so easily swayed into the darkness when he has something else to fight for: a spouse, children, God, or even just friends he cares about. The masculine heart is built for sacrifice, and very often what a man needs in order to defeat temptation is not only to understand the consequences of sin for his own soul, but also to think about the other people that he’d let down if he failed to resist.
This is the key to breaking the chains of lust, namely, to bring the sin into the light so that you can fight it for others’ sake. That will give you the motivation that perhaps the prospect of losing your own salvation doesn’t.
Bring It Into The Light
But if we walk in the light, as he also is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.
— 1 John 1:7
A sin cannot thrive for long in the light, because Christ is in the Light. And we already know who wins that battle. Light is, therefore, the key to the chains that enslave you. The Church has known this from the time of the apostles:
Confess therefore your sins one to another: and pray one for another, that you may be saved.
— James 5:16
Confession
Confession is the proper place to bring your sins into the light, as instructed by Christ Himself and as taught by the apostles. The Sacrament of Reconciliation will not only restore the grace that mortal sin has separated you from and make the love and mercy of Christ evident, but also provide an opportunity to remove the power of a sin that thrives in secrecy and uses shame as its fuel.
The human component of accountability is also relevant: confessing frequently to a trusted priest holds you accountable for your actions to someone beyond yourself, which, as we noted earlier, oftentimes gives you the extra motivation that you need in the hour of temptation.
Fraternity
Still, there are certain things that the Sacrament of Reconciliation cannot offer, mainly the support of peers who share your vocation and your state in life. This is why, even though Confession is the most important aspect here (because it takes care of the spiritual dimension of the problem), it’s also important to bring your sin into the light before a group of men who can understand the particular difficulties of your issue because they are also experiencing it themselves.
Bear ye one another's burdens; and so you shall fulfill the law of Christ.
— Galatians 6:2
A burden shared is a burden halved. It’s not wise to carry this alone. If you have good friends in your life, consider structuring a support or accountability group so that each of you can bring his issues into the light and receive support and motivation. The effectiveness of fraternal bonds in strengthening your will against temptation cannot be overstated. Just make sure that your friends actually want you to quit and that they won’t try to convince you that it’s “not that bad” to engage in sexually disordered acts.
I also understand, however, that many men struggle with a lack of close, male friendships, and that it’s not that easy to find that fraternity or community of men that can push you towards virtue. One possible solution to this might be something like Relay, an app that helps you quit porn and other forms of sexual immorality by connecting you with a fraternity of men who are in a similar position to yours and by giving you specific exercises and even a full video course to help you root out the vice of lust.
I’m friends with one of the owners, and I can vouch for both the company and the method they use, as several friends and followers have told me that it’s made a difference after other methods failed. If you want to try it out, they are currently doing a big November promotion where you can get access to a full month for just $1:
Finally, attach yourself to the Lord, ask Him to transform your heart and to purify it from disordered desires. Pray to Our Lady for her intercession, and receive the sacraments frequently.
The only one who can truly save you is God, and no amount of resources or strategies will work without His help.
Know also that you are in my prayers, and that the Lord Jesus Christ is rooting for you and offering you His saving grace.
Ad Maiora Nati Sumus,
Juan
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Dominguez, J. (2026), St. Peter Damian on the Social Dimension of Sexual Sin, https://www.adaeternum.com/p/st-peter-damian-on-the-social-dimension