The “I’m Not Ready for Marriage” Myth

Sometimes waiting doesn’t prepare you.

After I got married a few weeks ago, I started noticing a very interesting pattern among some of my male friends with girlfriends: they looked genuinely excited about the prospect of marriage, but that excitement was always followed immediately by elaborate postponement.

“A few more years.”
”Once my career is more stable.”
”Once I feel ready.”
”Once I finish this degree, this project, this phase of my life.”

This is not an attempt to criticize them —I also thought that way until very recently—, but rather something I have been observing ever since I decided to propose to my girlfriend, and that is that the average male believes marriage requires a long list of things that need to happen before it’s a sensible decision to commit to a woman for life, instead of seeing it as the foundation of stability and real progress.

Yes, It’s Possible to Not be Ready

Now, before moving on, I think it’s necessary to clarify something, given the title of this article: there is such a thing as rushing into marriage. It’s absolutely possible to be unprepared for such a big decision. But this is not the case for most men who claim they are “not ready to marry”.

There are valid reasons for choosing to avoid a serious relationship until you have reached a solid baseline. If you are deep into vice, for example, or if you have left deep wounds unhealed, it’s necessary and prudent to spend some time drawing nearer to The Lord and letting Him work on your heart. If you are too young and immature, it’s also likely that you’d be better off waiting and discerning the decision properly.

But there’s a fine line between those valid reasons and wanting absolute perfection, control, and stability before making the commitment. “Not ready” usually means —beneath the surface— fear of permanent commitment, attachment to the perceived freedom of choice of single life, and the comfortable lie that there exists a point in the future when you’ll feel fully prepared, fully in control, and fully secure to make a choice and commitment of this magnitude. The issue, in short, is that a man who says he’s not ready at 29 (with some exceptions), will rarely be ready at 35, he’ll just be older and more used to postponing.

Individualism

There’s a great tweet I saw on X a few weeks ago which motivated me to write this piece:

@tanyaelisabethh

You see, in a weird way, waiting might not make you more ready for marriage, but less. Because unless you are very intentional about the fact that the time spent waiting is dedicated to becoming more detached instead of more attached to the things of the world, with time, you’ll become individualistic instead of selfless, and less prepared to share your entire life with another person.

Consider the logic of it: if two people have spent 15 years learning to be alone, devising perfect routines for themselves, and getting attached to the way they do things, it will be much more difficult for them to create a life together.

When Are You Ready, Then?

The short answer: it depends. However, it’s never about feeling perfectly ready, but more so about being confident in the direction you’re heading toward. You are not supposed to have everything under control or figured out by the time you propose. You are not God, and He’s not asking you to be. You need a genuine orientation toward holiness, a stable enough foundation to provide at a basic level, a clear sense of vocation, and a woman you genuinely believe God is calling you to marry.

Have prudence, pray, and discern your decision properly, but have also the courage to be fully honest with yourself and with the reasons behind your postponement of commitment.

If your vocation is marriage, that means that that’s where you’ll be most fulfilled, and that means that finding and committing to a good woman is your path to sanctity. If that’s so, why postpone it beyond what’s strictly and absolutely necessary?

Ad Maiora Nati Sumus,

Juan

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