Perpetual Nostalgia
On home and the longings of the heart.
It’s not that I don’t like it here, it’s just that when I’m here, I dream of waking up in Spain. Something pulls at my heartstrings and I feel as though I’m missing out by not being there. But whenever I’m there I start longing for America. It’s not easy to forget the place you’ve been all your life, you know?
I’m tired of having so many options, and knowing whichever one I chose will mean sacrificing the other ones. I’m not going to lie to you, I’m also a bit scared to think about the future, because I think I’ll never be completely satisfied. Whatever I choose, wherever I end up being, I’ll be constantly wondering if it was the right decision. The grass on the other side, you know what I mean?
I can tell he’s not really getting my point. It’s not easy to explain these things. For him, all there is and all there’s ever been are the busy streets of this city. He can pinpoint his home clearly, and the thought of leaving it has never crossed his mind. Not really, at least. He would like to move for a bit, but as nothing more than a long trip, with a pre-booked return ticket. That’s not the same.
I’m talking about life, man. I’m not talking about taking a vacation, even one that lasts for a few years. I’m talking about choosing where you’ll raise your kids. I’m talking about committing to one place for the rest of your foreseeable future. Deep down, I think we all know the nomadic lifestyle is a teenage fantasy, just another way of avoiding growing up. Can you raise your kids in Airbnbs around the world, moving every couple of weeks or months?
The answer to that question tells you all you need to know. This nomadic dream is not necessary wrong, it’s just important to understand it is not a good long-term strategy, especially not if you want to make a true impact in the world. Moving around means never belonging, and never belonging means you limit the impact you can have on your community, simply because there is no community that you’re a part of.
I’m wrestling with these questions now, as it dawns on me that I’m getting too old to be moving so frequently. Back and forth, back and forth, undecided, incapable of planning beyond just a few months ahead. Perpetually living with the emergency brakes on, afraid of committing out of fear of leaving again.
It’s not only that, but I feel a true disconnect in my very soul. I am torn between two worlds, far away from one another. To choose one means to sacrifice the other one, and I’m not sure I’m wise enough to choose correctly. My blood remembers the rocky shores of the Mediterranean and the white houses of Andalucía, but my mind is filled with memories of the coconut trees and the sticky salty breeze of the green caribbean ocean.
Europa and her green eyes calls my name promising freedom and the dreams I never got to pursue, and yet America looks at me with her honey-colored eyes and promises certainty, peace, the comfort of what I’ve known since childhood.
What is life but a neverending search for our home? Little by little, I come to the realization that home is not possibly on this earth, but in heaven, unattainable until after God calls us to His side. All you can do while you are here is try your best to build something that resembles the joy of heaven. But even that will be temporary. Maybe that is why I’m so deeply afraid of choosing: because even if I chose a place to stay in for the rest of my days, both the place and my life in it it will end. The only eternity is the one we can win through faith, suffering, and self-denial.
The best you can aspire to is to build, brick by brick, a life in which you experience the fragments of heaven that are possible on earth. That comes down to choosing a beautiful place, yes, but more importantly, it comes down to choosing beautiful people to spend this life with. Home is the people you love, and only them can ease your mind and give you a little taste of the bliss that awaits in heaven.
Your job, your city, your career, your country, your apartment or house, all of these things matter, and you should choose them wisely, but none of them matter more than the people who surround you.
Only by choosing people will you choose right. With them, home can be anywhere. With them you can finally beat the perpetual nostalgia that darkens your heart and leaves you restless and anxious.
Your heart does not long for a place, but for the love of heaven. As we wait patiently for the day of our death, all we can do is try to catch glimpses of that love in our relationship with Jesus, and in the love received by the right people.
Only in them will we see what awaits us in eternity.
Thank you for reading!
If you enjoyed this post, please consider supporting this project by leaving a like, comment or upgrading to a premium subscription.
A premium subscription gives you access to all the exclusive posts and to the subscriber group chat and Q&A’s.
All income gets reinvested into creating more and better content.
God bless you,
Simple Man
If you liked this article, you’ll love my books.
Great article! I truly appreciate your honesty and straightforwardness in sharing your experience. I recently completed a Silent Retreat focused on St. Ignatius' Meditations, and it deeply resonated with me that I wanted to share a powerful meditation you can do as it relates to what you are facing.
Below, I’ve included the first meditation, known as the Principle and Foundation. Read it first and see my commentary after at the end:
“God created human beings to praise, reverence, and serve God, and by doing this, to save their souls. God created all other things on the face of the earth to help fulfill this purpose.
From it follows that we are to use the things of this world only to the extent that they help us to this end, and we ought to rid ourselves of the things of this world to the extent that they get in the way of this end.
For this it is necessary to make ourselves indifferent to all created things as much as we are able, so that we do not necessarily want health rather than sickness, riches rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, a long rather than a short life, and so in all the rest, so that we ultimately desire and choose only what is most conducive for us to the end for which God created us.”
It reminds us that in all we do, we should aim to praise, reverence, and serve God. If our actions stray from this purpose, we must realign and rectify our intentions to avoid them becoming distorted by sin, which leads us away from God.
Also, the meditation highlights the importance of indifference. In your case, it looks like there is a ‘disordered attachment’ to being in one place or the other for the sake of its enjoyment without considering your grand purpose of praising, reverencing, and serving God.
Don’t get me wrong. Things that God created like Spain and America are good in regard to the end they were created; but not all ‘creatures’ are good in every time nor on every occasion no for every person. All disorder springs from a disorder love for creatures. We must work on taking away all disordered affections for creatures so that we can take them or leave them depending on how they help us to achieve our final end.
The root of our sins is that we deviate from our principles and foundation.
Home is the people around me.