On Defeating Lust
How to win the fight against sexual immorality.
The most common vice of our time is lust. Not only is this the case because lack of sexual restraint is pushed and promoted as a virtue among young people in the mainstream, but also because, for men specifically, sexual desire it’s historically been one of the strongest and most difficult drives to control and tame.
When you combine this with the fact that there are now a vast number of ways for a young man to find sexual release at the push of a button, what you end up with is an entire generation of men addicted to the dopamine of sexual release. Men are completely hooked, and the worse part about it is that only a few, mostly within religious circles, even recognize the need to get this base desire under control. Most will fall for the mainstream propaganda and believe themselves entitled to whatever sexual pleasure they desire and fail to recognize the psychological and physical damage that such a “freedom” brings.
Even for those young men who are aware of the dangers of sexual immorality, this remains an extremely difficult demon to conquer, even more so in a society that floods us with sexual content wherever we look. To conquer this vice is to build uncommon self-control, and it’s one of the most meaningful endeavors a man can undertake. For all of you struggling against lust, here are some strategies that have been helpful for me, my friends, and the men I’ve coached over the years.
You’ll notice that many of the strategies are about mentally reframing the sin, instead of practical, applicable actions to undertake, although I’ll share some of them too. That’s because this is mostly a spiritual and mental battle, which means it needs to be fought on the spiritual level mainly.
1. Pornography and masturbation
Quitting porn is the first and most important step towards controlling your sexual urges. The first thing you need to do is accept the fact that it is NEVER acceptable to watch porn. Not once a month, nor once a year. Never. This will stop you from justifying your relapses because "they are not too frequent".
Be honest with yourself. Half the battle is awareness. It's opening your eyes to the reality of this vice, which will make it much less likely that you engage in it at all.
Secondly, think about the act of watching porn. You're getting off on an attractive woman having sex with a man that isn't you. Would you do the same if you were in a room with both of them? You're literally choosing to watch another man have sex with a woman you'd like to get with instead of talking to a real woman. I want you to really think about it. Don’t hide behind justifications. See the thing for what it is, however shameful that might be.
This is equivalent to those guys that let their wives have sex with other men. I don't care how much porn-addicts may try to argue otherwise, both things are very comparable. It's not you doing the deed, is it?
After recognizing the true nature of this filthy habit, you want to dissociate your identity from it. Here’s where many fail: they start keeping count of the days they’ve been “porn-free”, which is just a terrible strategy, because it simply gives the habit too much importance.
Keeping count of something makes it important. It keeps it relevant. If you are constantly keeping count of the days you've been porn-free, you are telling your brain that this is massively important and extremely difficult.
So difficult that you have to keep track of the days! Every single day, you are thinking about the habit you are trying to quit. That will make it way harder on yourself.
You're also putting unnecessary pressure on yourself: if you were to relapse, you'd beat yourself down thinking "oh I have to start all over again".
Making it a "streak" and counting the days means that this is something temporary, and that you'll relapse and start all over again. It's not helpful.
The correct mindset to have is to simply tell yourself, "I'm a guy that doesn't watch porn. It goes against my values, it is shameful and disgusting, and I don't even enjoy it."
If you look at it that way, I promise that it will be much easier to quit for good.
You'll have a firmer stand against it, because it becomes irrelevant, just some petty thing that you don't like, not something so important that you have to keep count of how many days you've managed to avoid it.
Separate your identity from the habit. Don’t let it have any mental space. Don’t speak about it, don’t think about it, don’t keep track of the days you haven’t done it. Forge a new identity through repetition, one that is completely separated from the habit you’re trying to quit.
Finally, you need to eliminate all triggers. Social media is designed to show you content that will get your attention. Guess what kind of content gets the most male attention? Semi-nude attractive women. That's nothing less than softcore porn.
This content serves as a trigger. You want to completely rid your eyes and brain of nude and seminude women and of any possible trigger. Mark every single one of those posts with the "not interested" tag that social media usually offers. This ensures that you don't get anything like that shown to you. You are probably not strong enough to stop the temptation once it starts creeping in, so don’t even give it an inch, and remove the triggers before you even see them.
2. Casual Sex
I’ve written before about the dangers of engaging in casual sex, so I won’t make that a big part of this article. I’ll keep it shot and sweet because the majority of the aforementioned points apply here too.
One thing I would add is simply to avoid influences that lead you to sin. Similarly how you are to avoid triggers in social media, you are to remove yourself from any and all situations in which your willpower will be tested.
Maybe this will sound “extreme” to some, but when the salvation of your soul is what’s at stake, there are no measures extreme enough. I don’t go to clubs. I don’t drink more than one drink on very very special occasions. Why? Because drinking and going out to clubs is to invite temptation in. Even the most responsible man is a different person when drunk and surrounded by bad influences, and it’s up to you to ensure you don’t fall into sin.
Yes, I could probably go out and not sin. But why would I put myself in situations where sin could potentially beat me? People underestimate how sly Satan is. He is smarter than you and je knows how to play you. Your responsibility is to not make it easier for him, by living a virtuous life and surrounding yourself with virtuous influences.
Don’t open any doors through which sin could creep in. Don’t rely on your own willpower. If you really want to rid yourself of sexual immorality, you cannot flirt with it even a little, because chances are you’ll end up failing. Temptation is strong, especially when you are a man who’s made an effort to work on himself, so make it easier on yourself by not putting yourself in places where sin abounds or surround yourself with people who will justify it.
Hope these tips help you win this battle, and throughout it all, remember to call on the name of Jesus Christ for the strength which you might at times not have.
God bless you and have a great week,
Simple Man
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God bless you,
Simple Man
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A man can’t defeat lust without God. An honest confession is needed along with your other two points. Lust is spiritual as well as physical
After engaging in porn for years, I find the hardest part isn't quiting, but preventing myself from reliving it in my memory.
Lord have mercy on me