The laws of God are not here to enslave us, but rather to set us free. It’s amazing how atheists and agnostics alike make the claim that religion is mere slavery to arbitrary rules, when in reality it’s the complete opposite: it’s the voluntary adherence to meaningful, just rules, which set you free from the slavery of your own flesh, passions, feelings, and lower tendencies.
I love this article and I am praying for a husband who lives his life this way. As a follower of Christ, I am a rule follower, but grace comes first. It's the Holy Spirit that must work on us to transform us. As followers of Christ, our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Once we recognize the presence of the Holy Spirit, following rules is easier and done out of love instead of obligation (1 John 5:3). This type of rule following is more sincere and sustainable.
Good read! As a 27 year old chronically single guy, it’s pretty hard to follow this virtue. Especially patience, because I have no idea if there even is a woman that I will eventually meet and marry. Doors in dating have been closing on me and it’s nerve wracking and demoralizing. I feel lost and lonely. Any tips for me?
You're still very young brother so you have a lot of time, don't lose heart. I think it's about two things:
1) Make an intentional effort to develop yourself into the man that a virtuous woman will want.
2) Pray incessantly. If God wills for you to become a husband and father, it will happen, as long as you cooperate with Him by doing 1). It's all about having faith and trusting God's timing. The right woman comes when you're ready to lead her virtuously.
Also, have the courage to put yourself out there: talk to girls on the street, at church, online, etc. There's nothing wrong about asking someone out for a cup of coffee to get to know them better. Just make sure that you remember that it's not "dating for fun" but dating for the specific purpose of analyzing if a person could make a good spouse and then dating with the intent to marry.
“If God wills for you” is what is getting me anxious and frustrated. I have no idea how to figure out if it is His will for me given how long I have been single. I have no interest in becoming a priest or a monk. It’s made even worse considering how many doors in dating have been closed one me.
Having faith is hardest when you don’t see or understand the plan brother. But that’s when it matters most. I’d also recommend you did a thorough discernment process, with the help of a spiritual director to guide you. From the more practical side, it’s worth doing what I mentioned above, and being brutally honest with yourself by analyzing whether there might be some traits or things you do which are making you unattractive.
I dont want to go to seminary or monastery. I dont think I would be making good use of my time or gifts and talents. What traits would make a man unattractive?
I read that before. Its a good article but I think I am still struggling and I don’t know why. I struggle with anxiety and depression and insecurity. Can you think of any other traits? A woman isn’t gonna know most of those traits just on your appearance and first impression alone. I don’t know why so many doors have closed on me.
I really liked the article and appreciate every word in it. However, I think it’s missing of practical advice, which is what most of us lack. Could you perhaps make a part 2? It’s a topic which I and a lot of younger guys struggle with and most people who often talk about it do a horrible job at it.
Thanks for reading brother! Appreciate the input, I'll think about that. I see one potential problem and that is that I don't really know what the practical steps are, and I don't know if there are actually any, given that this is a spiritual problem mostly that can only be fixed by rekindling that fire within you, which I've found is mostly done by simply deciding to live harder and staying true to that decision over the long term. However, I'll 100% think if there's a way I can make it a practical guide of some sorts.
Powerful article brother and thanks for putting this out! Chastity is one of the greatest gifts we have from God in my opinion and that's why it's so demonised in this (secular) world.
My pleasure, brother! Thanks for reading. And I agree, it’s clear it’s under attack nowadays, and it makes perfect sense as it’s one of the greatest forms of sacrificial love we can show.
I love this! It was so timely that I ran into this article today. I’m new to the journey of chastity, but this provided comfort and reassurance. Thanks
This is beautifully written, and I really appreciate how clearly it frames chastity as a virtue rather than a rule. As a woman, what stands out most is the focus on respect, self-mastery, and love that is selfless and God-centered. Chastity calls us to honor others, to see them as more than objects, and to reflect the dignity God has given each person.
I also love the way you connect chastity to freedom. The world often presents sexual desire as something to indulge without thought, but ordering those desires rightly brings real freedom. Self-control in this area strengthens all other parts of life—our patience, courage, humility, and capacity to love genuinely.
The connection to sacrificial and selfless love is especially striking. Practiced with grace, chastity protects both our hearts and the hearts of others. Desire is transformed from something potentially selfish into a path toward holiness and authentic relational integrity. For women and men alike, this understanding shows chastity as a guide for true love, respect, and flourishing.
Thank you for reading, Victoria, and I'm really glad you liked the article. It really is amazing how life-changing it can be to practice chastity, especially in our day and age.
I absolutely love this article, but I have a major issue with Chastity in 2025:
1. Average age of marriage is now 35 for men and 33 for women
2. Only 40% of men in all of human history got to reproduce their DNA into the future. 80% of women did, thus, most men were not “selected” by women.
3. Marriage rates are down, and divorce rates are 50-80%, depending on the stat.
Statistically, the common saying of “there is someone for everyone”, and “God will find you a wife when the time is ready” is an objective lie when looking at the hard evidence.
Couple that with living in a more secular country than the US (e.g. most of Western Europe), and you have a recipe for disaster for many men who very well may have to be chaste until their late 20’s, struggle to find a Christian girl of any kind to date, and thus close the door on many relationships as modern secular women may refuse to stay in relationships where there is complete abstinence (as they don’t wish to get married so quickly, or be abstinent themselves). It may also aggressively compel the young man through extreme scarcity of options and sexual desire, and without due diligence, into getting married as soon as possible, even though the wife is a potential divorce risk, given the one-sided, no fault divorce laws, and her questionable integrity (if not Christian, as is likely to be the case).
These are massive* pragmatic issues that really harm the functionality of chastity, and present major issues for Catholic social teaching on this subject matter.
I practice chastity myself, but I only started at 29 (when I became a Christian). However, I cannot unsee the statistics, the hard evidence, the evolutionary selectiveness of women throughout all of history, and not be concerned with the practicing of this once functional (but perhaps no longer) virtue in a post-Christian society.
I see your point, but disagree. The "competition" within Christian circles has never been lower, and it's not at all difficult to stand out from the average man and thus be presented with multiple opportunities to meet very good, virtuous women.
It's all about:
1) Working on yourself (yes, I know it sounds cliche, but the vast majority of men don't do this)
2) Putting yourself in situations and places where virtuous women usually are (not in danceclubs, parties, festivals, or such), but in Christian retreats, events, etc. Of course not everyone you meet will be a good match, but you're increasing the chances of meeting quality women that way.
3) Having the courage to take action, talk to women, manifest your romantic interest, and ask them out.
My problem with just looking at the stats is that they don't take into account different variables. You can choose to be the exception, by doing what the vast majority doesn't do. For example, something like 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. But only about 1% of marriages where couples pray together daily. You are not a slave to the statistics, you can choose actions that increase your chances of success.
Also, those stats don't really relate to chastity. If anything, they prove why chastity is more important than ever and why it's such a good filter. The reason people are getting married old is, among others, that they are having sex freely without any commitment. Practicing chastity, once again, increases your chances of finding the right woman, who isn't sexually loose, and thus has no interest in waiting until 35 to marry.
Such general stats mean absolutely nothing really. Just choose actions that make you part of the group that is actually successful.
Thanks for your timely and detailed response, I appreciate it.
By what metric do you gauge the “competition” to “never have been lower in Christian circles”? By all metrics, it’s never been harder due to significantly increased scarcity and reduced opportunities.
When you look at earnings; below the age of 30, women now outearn men, and attend university at a 60/40 rate. On top of this, in terms of dating, women who consume social media (never mind online dating), and have grown up in the modern cultural zeitgeist of feminism and western culture, have had their perceptions skewed to the point they no longer deem an average man to be worthy. Second, Christian “events” don’t exist in the UK (where I’m from), were extremely secular, and churches are famously mostly the elderly (Anglican), so you can’t hope to hop between churches in hunt of a Christian girl.
In looking for alternative methods - the skew of online dating supply/ demand laws carry over to Christian online dating platforms too, women are even more scarce, but just as selective, and even more so economically due to ambitions of being a stay at home mother, and the man to financially be able to support a whole family on one income (they may deem that to be impossible on an average income, even if it’s factually not).
A man (like myself) can have a top 5% physique, can be devoutly Christian in all virtues, practices and behaviours, and still have the market forces (described above) make it mathematically extremely unlikely that every filter is passed (for both individuals) and a compatible Christian marriage attained.
By my calculation, as you take into account all of the points of leverage available to me (and more or less tools available to other likeminded Christian men), the statistical odds look absolutely bleak.
For example, I’ve never once* met a Christian (or even religious) woman in all* the workplaces I’ve worked over the years, despite them all being 50/50 gender ratio or slanting towards women. I don’t know any Christian people in my wider social groups, both as a child nor adult, aside from elderly neighbours. I can count on one hand the amount of female colleagues I’ve had who I would ever consider marriage worthy. Even my ex’s prior to becoming a Christian had glaring behavioural or personality issues that directly conflict with Christian virtue and discernment. Only 1 out of the 4 of the major LTR’s I’ve been in were someone I’d marry to, and that’s even prior to becoming a Christian and leaning more into virtue ethics and standards for human behaviour.
The combination of scarcity, supply/ demand, economics, visceral attraction, marriage rates, divorce rates…. All of it, make it such an extremely unlikely chance. Only major travel appears to be the most apt solution realistically speaking, as location and online appear to be pretty unfruitful, unless one casts a wider net.
The “just work harder” or “rise above the competition” strategy may work for some men who are able to be above average financially, or above average in attractiveness, or live in a less secular society, but for most* (hence the term average), it is not…. Therefore this blanket statement is insufficient definitionally. This is why I have an issue with Chastity in 2025 - not all men are called to lifelong priesthood celibacy, nor should they be expected to.
I’d love to see a deep dive article really coming to terms with these material realities, and seeing if a spiritual yet pragmatically effective analysis can be produced. The “just try harder” isn’t going to work, it needs to be a combination of “try smarter in these very unique ways” (not just lift and be confident), and alternative options that stand the test of prolonged periods of time (decade or more).
You perfectly expressed what my son and I have been discussing since his and my conversion to the Catholic faith.. thank you! I’m sending him this! By the grace of God he believed it at age 11.. and sees this all to be true by the negative worldly example amongst his high school peers. I need to pray more for his classmates.. 🙏🏼
When Jesus stood trial before the High Priests, he answered their questions. He did the same for Pilate. To Herod, who was unchaste, not a single word.
It boils down to unchastity making it more difficult to hear or see God. A lot of times when you look at people with doubts, or plain disbelief, it boils down to an issue with chastity rather than rational arguments.
Thank you for this article, I always love it when someone publishes a new video or article on this topic. It is a great help on my own journey for chastity.
How could I communicate this to my current girlfriend with whom I find myself falling into indulgent sexual desires. I want to propose we go chaste until marriage.
Ultimately the choice is up to you as the man in the relationship. If after explaining it to her and making it clear that it’s non negotiable she refuses to respect your leadership and keeps trying to get you to be unchaste, it’s worth considering if she’s the right woman for you.
But the most important thing is realizing that you are the one who has the final say.
Amazing article!
Not a big fan of how the term “partner” is being thrown around these days.
It carries a corporate, rule-of-law connotation to it.
Using Husband and wife instead is best.
Thank you! I agree, husband, wife, or even spouse if neutral. "Partner" sounds pretty woke haha
Great article brother!
Thank you brother, God bless you!
This is such a great article man. I never thought about how much the virtue of Chastity will build up all other virtues, and it totally makes sense.
Thanks for reading brother!! Glad you liked it
I love the quote below. Thank you!
The laws of God are not here to enslave us, but rather to set us free. It’s amazing how atheists and agnostics alike make the claim that religion is mere slavery to arbitrary rules, when in reality it’s the complete opposite: it’s the voluntary adherence to meaningful, just rules, which set you free from the slavery of your own flesh, passions, feelings, and lower tendencies.
My pleasure! It really changes your entire perspective when you realize that.
I love this article and I am praying for a husband who lives his life this way. As a follower of Christ, I am a rule follower, but grace comes first. It's the Holy Spirit that must work on us to transform us. As followers of Christ, our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Once we recognize the presence of the Holy Spirit, following rules is easier and done out of love instead of obligation (1 John 5:3). This type of rule following is more sincere and sustainable.
Good read! As a 27 year old chronically single guy, it’s pretty hard to follow this virtue. Especially patience, because I have no idea if there even is a woman that I will eventually meet and marry. Doors in dating have been closing on me and it’s nerve wracking and demoralizing. I feel lost and lonely. Any tips for me?
You're still very young brother so you have a lot of time, don't lose heart. I think it's about two things:
1) Make an intentional effort to develop yourself into the man that a virtuous woman will want.
2) Pray incessantly. If God wills for you to become a husband and father, it will happen, as long as you cooperate with Him by doing 1). It's all about having faith and trusting God's timing. The right woman comes when you're ready to lead her virtuously.
Also, have the courage to put yourself out there: talk to girls on the street, at church, online, etc. There's nothing wrong about asking someone out for a cup of coffee to get to know them better. Just make sure that you remember that it's not "dating for fun" but dating for the specific purpose of analyzing if a person could make a good spouse and then dating with the intent to marry.
Hope this helps brother. You'll be in my prayers!
“If God wills for you” is what is getting me anxious and frustrated. I have no idea how to figure out if it is His will for me given how long I have been single. I have no interest in becoming a priest or a monk. It’s made even worse considering how many doors in dating have been closed one me.
Having faith is hardest when you don’t see or understand the plan brother. But that’s when it matters most. I’d also recommend you did a thorough discernment process, with the help of a spiritual director to guide you. From the more practical side, it’s worth doing what I mentioned above, and being brutally honest with yourself by analyzing whether there might be some traits or things you do which are making you unattractive.
I dont want to go to seminary or monastery. I dont think I would be making good use of my time or gifts and talents. What traits would make a man unattractive?
You don’t have to go to a seminary or monastery to have a spiritual director.
https://open.substack.com/pub/simplemen/p/10-traits-that-make-you-unattractive
I read that before. Its a good article but I think I am still struggling and I don’t know why. I struggle with anxiety and depression and insecurity. Can you think of any other traits? A woman isn’t gonna know most of those traits just on your appearance and first impression alone. I don’t know why so many doors have closed on me.
I know I need a spiritual director. I just dont want to go to seminary or monastery.
Don't let it get you anxious, God is our Father we wants the best for us.
Anen
Amen*
I dont know what that looks like. I would like to get married one day. My sexual desires are strong.
None of us know what that looks like. That’s why it will always require faith.
All you can really do is pray and seek virtue and holiness, and be intentional like I mentioned above.
Channel it to do something productive and ask the Holy spirt for help. He will help you with the urges
Yeah I am, but ultimately I want to channel it in marriage. I worry I may never get that opportunity.
Do you read Sigma Game substack? There are many good articles there with brutally honest tips.
Keep believing! That’s what it’s about. Either way, Gos’s never gonna fail or let you down. Take courage, dear heart”!
I really liked the article and appreciate every word in it. However, I think it’s missing of practical advice, which is what most of us lack. Could you perhaps make a part 2? It’s a topic which I and a lot of younger guys struggle with and most people who often talk about it do a horrible job at it.
Thanks for all the work you do, keep it up.
Thanks for reading brother! Appreciate the input, I'll think about that. I see one potential problem and that is that I don't really know what the practical steps are, and I don't know if there are actually any, given that this is a spiritual problem mostly that can only be fixed by rekindling that fire within you, which I've found is mostly done by simply deciding to live harder and staying true to that decision over the long term. However, I'll 100% think if there's a way I can make it a practical guide of some sorts.
God bless brother and thanks again for reading!
Powerful article brother and thanks for putting this out! Chastity is one of the greatest gifts we have from God in my opinion and that's why it's so demonised in this (secular) world.
My pleasure, brother! Thanks for reading. And I agree, it’s clear it’s under attack nowadays, and it makes perfect sense as it’s one of the greatest forms of sacrificial love we can show.
I love this! It was so timely that I ran into this article today. I’m new to the journey of chastity, but this provided comfort and reassurance. Thanks
Glad to be of service my friend! Keep fighting the good fight. God bless you
I wish I could restack this a thousand times! 💙💙💙
Thank you!!
Incredible article my man. My sons are coming into teenage-hood soon, I'm going to sit down and read through this with them. Thank you!
Glad you liked it and thanks for reading Tanner! Honored that you think the article is good enough to share with your sons. God bless you brother!
This is beautifully written, and I really appreciate how clearly it frames chastity as a virtue rather than a rule. As a woman, what stands out most is the focus on respect, self-mastery, and love that is selfless and God-centered. Chastity calls us to honor others, to see them as more than objects, and to reflect the dignity God has given each person.
I also love the way you connect chastity to freedom. The world often presents sexual desire as something to indulge without thought, but ordering those desires rightly brings real freedom. Self-control in this area strengthens all other parts of life—our patience, courage, humility, and capacity to love genuinely.
The connection to sacrificial and selfless love is especially striking. Practiced with grace, chastity protects both our hearts and the hearts of others. Desire is transformed from something potentially selfish into a path toward holiness and authentic relational integrity. For women and men alike, this understanding shows chastity as a guide for true love, respect, and flourishing.
Thank you for reading, Victoria, and I'm really glad you liked the article. It really is amazing how life-changing it can be to practice chastity, especially in our day and age.
God bless you!
I absolutely love this article, but I have a major issue with Chastity in 2025:
1. Average age of marriage is now 35 for men and 33 for women
2. Only 40% of men in all of human history got to reproduce their DNA into the future. 80% of women did, thus, most men were not “selected” by women.
3. Marriage rates are down, and divorce rates are 50-80%, depending on the stat.
Statistically, the common saying of “there is someone for everyone”, and “God will find you a wife when the time is ready” is an objective lie when looking at the hard evidence.
Couple that with living in a more secular country than the US (e.g. most of Western Europe), and you have a recipe for disaster for many men who very well may have to be chaste until their late 20’s, struggle to find a Christian girl of any kind to date, and thus close the door on many relationships as modern secular women may refuse to stay in relationships where there is complete abstinence (as they don’t wish to get married so quickly, or be abstinent themselves). It may also aggressively compel the young man through extreme scarcity of options and sexual desire, and without due diligence, into getting married as soon as possible, even though the wife is a potential divorce risk, given the one-sided, no fault divorce laws, and her questionable integrity (if not Christian, as is likely to be the case).
These are massive* pragmatic issues that really harm the functionality of chastity, and present major issues for Catholic social teaching on this subject matter.
I practice chastity myself, but I only started at 29 (when I became a Christian). However, I cannot unsee the statistics, the hard evidence, the evolutionary selectiveness of women throughout all of history, and not be concerned with the practicing of this once functional (but perhaps no longer) virtue in a post-Christian society.
I see your point, but disagree. The "competition" within Christian circles has never been lower, and it's not at all difficult to stand out from the average man and thus be presented with multiple opportunities to meet very good, virtuous women.
It's all about:
1) Working on yourself (yes, I know it sounds cliche, but the vast majority of men don't do this)
2) Putting yourself in situations and places where virtuous women usually are (not in danceclubs, parties, festivals, or such), but in Christian retreats, events, etc. Of course not everyone you meet will be a good match, but you're increasing the chances of meeting quality women that way.
3) Having the courage to take action, talk to women, manifest your romantic interest, and ask them out.
My problem with just looking at the stats is that they don't take into account different variables. You can choose to be the exception, by doing what the vast majority doesn't do. For example, something like 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. But only about 1% of marriages where couples pray together daily. You are not a slave to the statistics, you can choose actions that increase your chances of success.
Also, those stats don't really relate to chastity. If anything, they prove why chastity is more important than ever and why it's such a good filter. The reason people are getting married old is, among others, that they are having sex freely without any commitment. Practicing chastity, once again, increases your chances of finding the right woman, who isn't sexually loose, and thus has no interest in waiting until 35 to marry.
Such general stats mean absolutely nothing really. Just choose actions that make you part of the group that is actually successful.
Thanks for your timely and detailed response, I appreciate it.
By what metric do you gauge the “competition” to “never have been lower in Christian circles”? By all metrics, it’s never been harder due to significantly increased scarcity and reduced opportunities.
When you look at earnings; below the age of 30, women now outearn men, and attend university at a 60/40 rate. On top of this, in terms of dating, women who consume social media (never mind online dating), and have grown up in the modern cultural zeitgeist of feminism and western culture, have had their perceptions skewed to the point they no longer deem an average man to be worthy. Second, Christian “events” don’t exist in the UK (where I’m from), were extremely secular, and churches are famously mostly the elderly (Anglican), so you can’t hope to hop between churches in hunt of a Christian girl.
In looking for alternative methods - the skew of online dating supply/ demand laws carry over to Christian online dating platforms too, women are even more scarce, but just as selective, and even more so economically due to ambitions of being a stay at home mother, and the man to financially be able to support a whole family on one income (they may deem that to be impossible on an average income, even if it’s factually not).
A man (like myself) can have a top 5% physique, can be devoutly Christian in all virtues, practices and behaviours, and still have the market forces (described above) make it mathematically extremely unlikely that every filter is passed (for both individuals) and a compatible Christian marriage attained.
By my calculation, as you take into account all of the points of leverage available to me (and more or less tools available to other likeminded Christian men), the statistical odds look absolutely bleak.
For example, I’ve never once* met a Christian (or even religious) woman in all* the workplaces I’ve worked over the years, despite them all being 50/50 gender ratio or slanting towards women. I don’t know any Christian people in my wider social groups, both as a child nor adult, aside from elderly neighbours. I can count on one hand the amount of female colleagues I’ve had who I would ever consider marriage worthy. Even my ex’s prior to becoming a Christian had glaring behavioural or personality issues that directly conflict with Christian virtue and discernment. Only 1 out of the 4 of the major LTR’s I’ve been in were someone I’d marry to, and that’s even prior to becoming a Christian and leaning more into virtue ethics and standards for human behaviour.
The combination of scarcity, supply/ demand, economics, visceral attraction, marriage rates, divorce rates…. All of it, make it such an extremely unlikely chance. Only major travel appears to be the most apt solution realistically speaking, as location and online appear to be pretty unfruitful, unless one casts a wider net.
The “just work harder” or “rise above the competition” strategy may work for some men who are able to be above average financially, or above average in attractiveness, or live in a less secular society, but for most* (hence the term average), it is not…. Therefore this blanket statement is insufficient definitionally. This is why I have an issue with Chastity in 2025 - not all men are called to lifelong priesthood celibacy, nor should they be expected to.
I’d love to see a deep dive article really coming to terms with these material realities, and seeing if a spiritual yet pragmatically effective analysis can be produced. The “just try harder” isn’t going to work, it needs to be a combination of “try smarter in these very unique ways” (not just lift and be confident), and alternative options that stand the test of prolonged periods of time (decade or more).
You perfectly expressed what my son and I have been discussing since his and my conversion to the Catholic faith.. thank you! I’m sending him this! By the grace of God he believed it at age 11.. and sees this all to be true by the negative worldly example amongst his high school peers. I need to pray more for his classmates.. 🙏🏼
Love to read this Amy, and that sounds like such a blessing! Will keep you and your son in my prayers and hope the article helps him too.
God bless you!
When Jesus stood trial before the High Priests, he answered their questions. He did the same for Pilate. To Herod, who was unchaste, not a single word.
I think about this a lot.
Very interesting take
How do you interpret this?
It boils down to unchastity making it more difficult to hear or see God. A lot of times when you look at people with doubts, or plain disbelief, it boils down to an issue with chastity rather than rational arguments.
Thank you for this article, I always love it when someone publishes a new video or article on this topic. It is a great help on my own journey for chastity.
Thanks for reading Walter, and glad to be of service. Love to hear more and more men choosing chastity over degeneracy. God bless and stay strong!
How could I communicate this to my current girlfriend with whom I find myself falling into indulgent sexual desires. I want to propose we go chaste until marriage.
Explain it to her lovingly and patiently.
Ultimately the choice is up to you as the man in the relationship. If after explaining it to her and making it clear that it’s non negotiable she refuses to respect your leadership and keeps trying to get you to be unchaste, it’s worth considering if she’s the right woman for you.
But the most important thing is realizing that you are the one who has the final say.