10 Unspoken Rules of Masculinity

What makes a modern gentleman?

When I first started this project, I took a lot of inspiration from the Art of Manliness, by Brett McKay. I loved —and still do— the aesthetics of his blog, and how it promoted a return to the lost art of being a gentleman.

Last year, I read a book titled “The Catholic Gentleman”, by Sam Guzman. The book details how to be a gentleman from a Catholic perspective, which I think is a topic that needs to be more widely discussed, as the rules by which we Catholics order our lives are fundamentally different from those in the secular world.

For that reason, I decided to write my two cents on this topic, and give you ten unspoken rules of masculinity that make a modern Christian gentleman.

10. Learn people’s names

When you first meet someone, it’s a sign of respect to pay attention to their name and remember it afterwards. I’m terrible at this, but I’ve noticed just how disrespectful it feels when you have to keep asking someone for their name when they’ve told you multiple times already. Our names are something that we hold in high regard —a fundamental part of our identity—, so when you remember someone’s name, you are showing them that they are seen and valued.

9. Be the same man in every room

There’s a crisis of integrity plaguing most men today. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to encounter men who act, think, and speak in the same manner regardless of the context they find themselves in. Out of cowardice, or perhaps due to a disordered need to be liked by everyone, most men hide their true selves and compartmentalize their beliefs depending on the room they’re in.

A true gentleman is honest and upfront about the things that he holds sacred. He doesn’t hide his faith out of fear, he doesn’t avoid sharing who he truly is to be liked, and he doesn’t act differently depending on who he’s with.

Bear in mind, however, that integrity doesn’t mean imprudence. You need to be wise and understand when something is better left unsaid. But there’s a way to be wise and open, and it’s our duty to find that path.

8. Control your sexual urges

Controlling lust is the modern rite of passage from boyhood into manhood. Until you learn to control your sexual urges, you’ll forever be a slave to them.

Yes this is difficult. Yes, we live in a society in which we are bombarded by sexual content left and right. Yes, it’s the main sin of our age.

But that just means that conquering it makes you all the more virtuous. A man who controls his sexual urges shows uncommon temperance and fortitude. In contrast, a man who can’t control his most basic urges shows a lack of self-control that bleeds into every other area of his life.

The undisciplined man is ruled by his appetites. The gentleman, in contrast, rules them.

7. Return what you’ve borrowed promptly and without reminder

Nothing stains a man’s reputation faster than failing to make good on his word. Few things are more awkward than having to ask someone to return what they’ve borrowed from you. A gentleman fulfills his obligations, and that includes even “meaningless” obligations like returning what you’ve borrowed in exactly the same state that you received it. Borrowing something is a promise that you’ll return it, and failing to do so willfully and in due time is failing to keep it.